More Than Getting Your Point Across

The most important quality of effective communication is listening. It begins with removing distractions from your mind and focusing on the speaker. Avoid the temptation to interrupt. More often than not, we tend to interrupt with our own thoughts and ideas; in other words, our own agenda. It is helpful to make eye-contact with the speaker and let them know with the nod of the head or an affirming word that you understand. When they are finished sharing, provide feedback by first repeating back your understanding of the speaker's message.

You will communicate more effectively with others if you are clear about what you intend to communicate. By knowing your purpose, you will also be able to choose more effectively whether to communicate publicly or privately; orally or in writing. You can also enhance the clarity of your message in several ways:

• Know your group and deliver a message at the right level.
• Know your group’s frame of reference. What lens or grid of expectations are they peering through?
• Sometimes you may even have to create a common frame of reference to allow your message to be understood.
• Use unambiguous terms and congruent verbal and nonverbal signals to match the content of your message.
• Actively ensure that your group understands your message by soliciting feedback and paying attention to their verbal and nonverbal cues. (It is estimated that only 10% of actual communication is delivered in spoken words. The rest comes to us in the attitude of the body.)

Communication is purposeful exchange. Former President Gerald Ford was once quoted as saying, “Nothing in life is more important than the ability to communicate effectively.” You cannot reach your potential as a small group leader without deliberately sharpening your communication skills.

Communication Tips

• Encourage – a lot
• Clarify expectations throughout your group’s life – how are participants growing?
• 90% of communication is non-verbal so muster up plenty of warm smiles
• Give your full attention to people when they’re talking to you – maintain eye contact
• Repeat back questions before responding to ensure you’re answering the right question
• LISTEN before thinking of what you’re going to say next – don’t be afraid of pauses
• Model humility – this communicates more than you’ll ever know (Philippians 2:1-11).
• When needed, confront instead of harboring frustration (voice the complaint first with the person privately and directly then follow-up with sincere encouragements)
• Take the time to pull participants aside and ask them how they’re really doing – show you care
• Think before speaking (respond, don’t react)

Mindy Caliguire: Leading From a Healthy Soul

These are notes from Mindy Caliguire's (check out her site here) talk at the Willow Group Life Conference.

Matthew 16:24

v.26- what good will it be to gain the whole world but forfeit your own soul.

I once thought that the most important skills for leading a small group included things like good listening skills, knowledge of Bible, welcoming people, willingness to guide people, communication skills, measure of spiritual maturity, etc.

Those things are important, but today my answer about most important qualification for small group leaders has changed. One quality that a leader must have if the group is going to be effective in transformation. The leader must be leading from a healthy soul.

What is a healthy soul?
Saved and alive. It has been brought to life. Whether you realize it or not, your soul has the capacity to have a quality of life. It requires nourishment.

Do you know yourself? There was a symptom that indicated that my soul was not well and I ignored it. I went through a season where I had become totally out of touch with the woman God had created me to be. Because I ignored that, I was sidelined from my own life and ministry for a season. In hindsight, this was a way God was dealing with my heart...saying it's not so much what you do for me but who you are with me.

We must recover the importance of the redeemed soul.

Following Christ should not result in a diminishing interior life, but sometimes the demands of leadership results in that.

Symptoms of Neglected Soul

• Apathy
• Judgemental spirit
• Insomnia
• Anger
• Fear
• Isolation

Symptoms of Healthy Soul

• Joy
• Confidence joined with Humility
• Safety
• Purpose
• Energy
• Attentiveness

Are pace of life and healthy soul indirectly proportionally? Mutually exclusive?

We should allow the health of our soul to guide the pace that we keep. Allow your pace of life to be submitted to how God is leading you. We may need to do make some radical changes in our schedule. Biblical simplicity: God is our focus and we allow everything else to emerge from that relationship.

David Johnson: Real Formation for Real People

These are notes from David Johnson's (from Church of the Open Door) opening talk at the Willow Group Life Conference.

Real change can be hit or miss.

Ron Sider notes that most evangelical Christians are not different from the culture in the following areas:

• in money
• sexual ethic
• racism
• divorce

Philippians - work out your salvation through fear and trembling-- not work for your salvation but work out your salvation.

To encourage spiritual formation, we typically tell our people to

• Get into a group
• Get involved in spiritual disciplines

These are standard answers and good answers. But you can be doing these things but still not be transformed. So what is the key?

Here are three I've thought of:

1. We have to be authentic
2. We have to be courageous
3. There has to be grace

If there isn't an environment of grace people will never find the courage to be authentic.

Matthew 5-- Blessed are those who mourn. There are 9 Greek words for the concept of mourning. This one has to do with authenticity-- Blessed are those who start getting out here (into the open) what is going on in here (in the heart, in the secret places of life). Basically, it's blessed are those who quit pretending.

"I refuse to live in the dark anymore, I'm going to live in the light of what is true of me." People who live like that are being changed. Because they are courageous and authentic.

Grace is the only thing that has ever given us the courage to bring out in the light what we tend to hide in the dark. What if we knew there would be grace and healing about that thing we just can't talk about?

This Changes Everything Group Life Conference 2009

Compliments to MarkHowellLive.com for the first part of this blogpost!

Saturday morning at locations across North America some 8500 group leaders will gather for encouragement, training and challenge. This Changes Everything, the Willow Creek Association’s 2009 Group Life conference kicks off at 9:30 a.m. (Eastern and Mountain), 8:30 a.m. (Central and Pacific).

It’s not too late to jump in! You can find a location right here.

If you can’t get there, join us on Twitter or Facebook. It’s easy to do. Go to either spot:

• Twitter: Click Here to open up a window that will keep track of all the #grouplife tweets throughout the day.
• Facebook: Head over to the Facebook.com/grouplife. You’ll see a steady stream of updates throughout the day.
• Join me for two conference calls - one during each break. Dial-in Number: (641) 715-3625 Participant Access Code: 347287#

1. The first is on "Healthy Leaders - Healthy Groups" and starts at 11:05 ET
2. The second is on "The Power of Grace & Authenticity in Group Leadership" and starts at 2:45pm ET.

Also, check-out these Tweeps who will be talkin lots bout #grouplife conference #ff

1. @JoshSurratt
2. @chiapperino
3. @secondchair
4. @deantwan
5. @rickhowerton
6. @michaelmcminn
7. @jimmeldrim
8. @markchowell
9. @SmallGroupscom
10. @mbstockdale
11. @DaveTreat
12. @thinkingsmall
13. @RGNeighbour
14. @heatherzempel
15. @alandanielson
16. @gregmbowman
17. @grouplife

Authentic change starts when the next step is the right step. Walk with us online and join in the conversation on how genuine Biblical community changes everything!

Rethinking Small Groups

What you will find in my first blogposts under 2008 is a series that presents ten ways (identified in ten sections) of rethinking how most church leaders talk about and practice small groups in America.

The first half of this series presents new perspectives on small groups and small group leadership. There are a range of subjects covered from how we encourage involvement and track progress to how we perceive and communicate the real purpose of small groups.

NEW PERSPECTIVES:

1. Missionally-focused vs. need-based promotion of small groups
2. The goal is NOT to get people into small groups
3. Not all small group leaders are shepherds…and that’s OK!
4. Using small groups to marry your church’s vision to its values
5. Seeing the whole of a small group’s experience together as sacramental

The second half of this series presents new practices in small group ministry where we’ll grapple with strategy and high-level tactics. A host of topics are addressed including reaching new target groups, assimilation, how we organize small group leadership, and what we really want to be emphasizing with them.

NEW PRACTICES:

1. Employing collegial vs. pyramidal organizational models for small group leadership infrastructure and redefining the role of a coach
2. Building Community: Superimposing proxemics over ‘funnel strategies’ & creating steps
3. Developing strategies for grouping people OUTSIDE the church
4. Launching gift-based groups (the “new affinity” group)
5. Branching over Birthing, the Alternative to Splitting Up a Good Thing

While the series is organized into two major parts, you can read a section a day in any order you’d like. Each section is essentially self-contained. If you take the time to read this series, I have no doubt that you will walk away with a nugget or two that will change your perception of small group ministry and how you ‘do’ it in your church.

Opening Questions That Work

1. What do you like to do most with a free hour? Why?
2. What is the most significant event of the last three months? Why?
3. Choose a word that best describes your life up to this moment? Why?
4. When do you sense being most alive? Why?
5. If you could visit or live any place in the world where would you go and why?
6. What’s your favorite room in the house and why?
7. If you could not fail, what would you like to do?
8. If it were possible, would you want to return to your past and relive your life or jump ahead to the future? If so, why?
9. What is the hardest thing you’ve ever done that you did not anticipate having to do?
10. What is something you’ve had to do in life that at first you didn’t want to do but now would not change if you could?

Peeling Groups

My interest in oranges would have been short-lived if my only attempts at eating them had been with the peel still on. As it is, I love oranges...because I peel them to get to what's inside. Usually they're good. However, all of them would be awful unpeeled. Zest is one thing, but a shard of leathery peel is another.

Groups can have the same appeal as the taste of unpeeled fruit to some people so it's necessary to peel groups too! The sign of an unpeeled group is where group members strain to remember church-sponsored language to define their group, rehearse several facets of what you attempt to do together in each gathering, or require an explanation that is complicated or just weird-sounding to somebody coming from an unchurched background.

A peeled group, on the other hand, is one where each member can articulate what your group is all about in a very simple way that makes sense to an “outsider” (Christian or not) and they can do so in a way that is natural to them. Getting to that place has a way of focusing your group, harmonizing your activities, and freeing people to operate in ways that are true to their God-given nature.

Peeling your group begins by asking the right questions and helping each one answer them honestly. Consider leading your group through a light-hearted dialogue around this set of questions:

• What are we really trying to do together? And what do we need to stop, start, or continue doing to have this impact?
• What feels forced in our life together? What's natural?
• What do you want to experience and see happen in our group? If you could look at our group next season/year...what does victory look like in your mind's eye?
• How do you want your life to be different as a result of your participation?
• What do you WANT to share about our group with those who are not a part of it? And what do you find yourself usually leaving out?

The Shakespearian adage, “To thine own self be true,” applies as much to individuals as it does to groups. Group members should play to the strengths of their personal relational style and find ways to be an extension of your group's community life in ways that flow naturally from who they are. As each one expresses their unique friendship-forming style, they can begin to cultivate the essence of what they're after in your group-life in their personal relationships.

The most fertile relational soil exists where group members live, work, and play – so invite them to ask the Lord to bring a spiritual focus to their relationships through meaningful connections and conversations. New group-life – whether it's growth created by grafting or branching – can develop naturally from friendships that have this spiritual focus. A simple, organic approach that entrusts God's mission to many in this way will help us move past the peel.